Just before our wedding ceremony last week, there was a kerfuffle up in the bridal suite, in the loft of the barn.

Aren’t kerfuffles the most fun moments of family weddings? When we have kerfuffles in my (admittedly large) family, they tend to make us laugh and not stress.

My little nephew had been sleeping peacefully up in the bridal suite, and woke up, perfectly on time I thought, five minutes before he was supposed to toddle down the aisle in his fancy clothes.

My sister and her mother-in-law were changing him into those fancy clothes while my other sister and I were racing around trying to find the double-sided body tape to tape one of my dress straps to my shoulder.

Once dressed and taped, we all traipsed down to join my parents and the rest of the wedding party to line up for the procession out onto the lawn. Outside it was gray, cold, and the rain appeared to be just barely holding off.

We made a funny, slow procession out and around to the side of the barn after our Reverend said a blessing for us.

I frowned sternly at the sky, warning it not to even think about it, and tried not to step on the train of my dress.

We had to be quiet once we got outside because Sarah from the venue had said it was a “sound corridor” and everything would be heard by the guests.

It was cold out there. We came to a halt and shivered under the barn’s deck, just out of sight of our guests. A Mozart concerto wafted gently over the lawn towards us.

I was determined to savor every moment of this. I’d told this to my sister-in-law and dear friend a few days prior. “I find myself stressed out thinking how short the wedding will be and thinking, ‘Will I enjoy it enough?’” This seemed silly.

“Habibti [my dear], you can only enjoy it as much as you can enjoy it,” she replied.

True enough. So I was down there shivering, wearing my Enjoyment Face and trying to be present.

Soon it was time for everyone to walk, and I wanted to watch them all walking, but I had to stay hidden. They told me later that my nephew did walk down the aisle, holding hands with my sister and brother, to everyone’s delight – since he’s only 1, we weren’t sure if he’d walk, be carried, or refuse to participate.

When it was time, according to Sarah who was peeking around the corner, I walked with my parents on either side of me, and the train of my dress tugged gently as it dragged behind me on the grass. I in turn tugged on my dad’s arm a bit to get him to slow down. I think in his excitement he was in danger of leaving Mom and me in the dust.

This was one of my favorite moments of the day because I could finally see all those people, our people, grinning back at me from rows of white chairs and it was… Magical? Surreal? Lovely? Surprising? Nerve wracking? All of the above?

I’d known – in my head – that all these people were coming, but it’s one thing to know it and another thing to see and feel it. There they all were. I couldn’t stop beaming as I locked eyes with Raja, looking dapper standing up with the priest while we approached.

It was all over in probably ten seconds; we seemed to reach the makeshift altar very quickly. The cold hadn’t touched me at all, wrapped in my blanket of adrenaline.

***

The ceremony was beautiful. Though when the wind blew, it rippled straight through us and we grew colder and colder for each hymn and reading. But the rain held off.

Our families read the readings one by one. My dad, mom and the priest in English; Raja’s brother and aunt in Arabic. I stayed present for every moment (but then again, you can only enjoy it as much as you can enjoy it).

My favorite reading was the one we’d chosen from the Song of Solomon:

“My beloved speaks and says to me: ‘Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; for now the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.

The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtle-dove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance.

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave.”

My sister’s hymns were also beautiful.

I told her afterwards that what made them beautiful is she didn’t just sing them from A to Z, but somehow gifted each of them to the audience.

She has a beautiful, engaging stage presence that somehow invites the listener to join her in the experience. She creates an experience for the listener to step into, and she smiles around beatifically at everyone while she’s doing it.

***

The vows were scary for some reason – even though I am already married to Raja and have been for three years. This surprised me!

I think the scary part is, well, all of it. The lifelong aspect. The death parting us aspect. For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death do us part, this is my solemn vow.

Scary!

Then the rings.

It felt nice to have my ring back on me – I hadn’t been wearing it in the week leading up to our wedding, since I wanted to keep it shiny after having it cleaned.

But I missed it and it felt odd not wearing it.

When Raja put it back on my finger during the ceremony, it felt like a little homecoming.

***

After we hugged and kissed at the end while everyone clapped and cheered, and our recessional song started playing, we turned and with big smiles, started dancing back down the aisle.

I think I felt pure joy in this moment too, which also probably lasted for only ten seconds. (It was, after all, the same, very short aisle.)

What I’d wanted for so long – years and years – was finally here. It felt like a relief, a homecoming, a joy, yet another leap of faith (as we never know in life how things will go), an affirmation of our love, a validation, a victory over struggles, a tenderness, a putting our best foot forward together, a moment to be witnessed by our community, a sacrament, a little bit of a scary (re)commitment, a hopeful question mark for the future.

This launched us naturally into the party part of the day, back in the warmth of the barn. And just then, it began to rain.