& More On Our Wedding Day

When I arrived with my bridesmaids one hour before the wedding ceremony, the barn looked even more beautiful than I had expected.

Our decorator had done such a good job setting it all up. The tables looked beautiful with white tablecloths, burlap runners with the little baby’s breath bouquets tied to their ends, candles, centerpieces of greenery and flowers, more baby’s breath, and a pop of indigo blue in each bouquet.

The “Our Story” photos hanging on the wall were bright and colorful and took center stage. Our hand sewn wedding quilt, a gift from my grandmother, was hanging there above the cake table. The cakes: lovely white and chocolate buttercream with pale blue flowers falling off the edges.

Everything went so smoothly on our wedding day. I had been worried about some details, I will admit – though the people in charge of them kept telling me not to worry.

Typical, right?

Friends doing the sound system told me not to worry about the sound system, and that they would play all the songs at the right times during our ceremony. I went right on worrying: would they play the songs at the right times during our ceremony?

The guest book people told me, “Don’t worry about the guest book, it will look beautiful,” so I went right on worrying: will the guest book look beautiful?

But it all went so smoothly and, sound system and guest book aside, the main point was that you could see our community knitting itself together throughout the day.

Our people loved us; we loved them; we loved each other; they celebrated our love; and we were held up by the fabric of community (as we have been, always, in the ups and downs we faced while waiting for this day).

This came through so clearly and now it’s sewn into my memories.

**

I got this sense of clarity and peace towards the end of the night when I realized the reception would soon end. I looked around at the magic happening around me: friends gathered on the dance floor, others grabbing drinks or clustered around tables now strewn with flowers and candles and plates of cake and glasses of champagne.

So many of our people all together, laughing, talking, dancing. I swiveled, slowly looking around the barn and seeing people I loved everywhere I looked.

I knew we had maybe a half hour left and I just wanted to grab that moment: to hold it in my hands, and somehow not to lose it.

Was this a typical case of “scarcity mindset”, which I find I often have?

Or just taking in a special, never-to-be-repeated moment in life?

**

I felt like a very lucky queen on my wedding day because everyone was taking care of everything. Everyone put such care and attention to detail into the day. I felt such gratitude and actively tried to be in receiving mode, since my default mode seems to be giving mode.

(Do you have this? When someone gives you a complement, do you give back a double complement? Do you find yourself leaping to wash dishes at a friend’s house after you’ve shared dinner together? …Just me?)

After the freezing-rain-photo-shoot, when we were announced by our friend and emcee on the mic, we entered the barn to such loud cheering, shouting, and applause that I felt a bit overwhelmed.

Everyone was on their feet, just letting their joy explode up to the barn rafters.

We walked, or maybe floated, down the length of the barn to our sweetheart table, which was set with burlap, more baby’s breath, candles in crystal holders, a place for me to lay my bouquet, and our crystal champagne flutes (also a gift from my grandmother!) with prosecco poured and ready for the toasts.

**

And when we danced to Make You Feel My Love at the very end, I thought everyone would also dance, but they just circled around and watched us slowly spin. I had already been having such clarity of thought and taking it all in, that I could clearly feel the love-energy physically radiating towards us from all around.

It was like something palpable, something concrete, right there in the barn, and I surprised myself by crying just then!

**

I guess I wasn’t sure what it would be like and how I would feel during and after. Would I feel a sense of letdown? What if it wasn’t a fun enough party, or people didn’t dance, or it didn’t feel a certain way?

But how it was blew any insecurities I’d had away and made them seem irrelevant. Just random fears.

One of my favorite lines from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic is “Fear – who cares?”

I think of this line as least once a week.

It helps me square my shoulders and keep doing whatever I am doing. The fear is there, but it’s not something to act upon.

Shoulder shrug, keep going.

I’m not even sure why I had these fears about the wedding day.

Raja and I have something special and are surrounded by an incredible community. The last few years were tough on us (and everyone). Perhaps we are moving now, or have recently moved, from surviving to thriving, and that’s the real thing.

The wedding was so filled with funny moments and kerfuffles and joy that it blew my insecurities away.

Like a mirror being held up to me, saying, “See? You’ve had this great love all along, lucky you.”