No really, please let me know.

Listen to your body. It’s something we hear all the time. Do we do it? Really listen?

I really listened yesterday, and it was harder than you’d think. You see, I really wanted to run 14 miles with my running club this morning. The run was led by a friend of mine, and I’d promised her a ride to the meet up point.

Starting at 8:00am, we’d run from Davis Square in Somerville to Boston University and back, along the Charles River. It would be the first time I’d run that distance since my half marathon last November.

I had a plan. Wake up at 6:30. (Alarm at 6:10. Inevitably snooze 10 minutes. Inevitably snooze 10 minutes. Force myself to get out of bed at 6:30 and stumble toward the coffee zone.) Make a bit of coffee and breakfast.

Bundle the heck up for 16-degree weather: double pants, base layer, mid layer, top layer, neck buff, running headband, and gloves.

Pick up my friend by 7:40. Meet up with the group by 8:00. Run.

The only snag was that last night my body said: please no?

It was quiet, but I heard it. In a different time of life – a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago – I probably would have overridden the small voice. I’ve been doing that a lot lately, and as a direct consequence, have been more and more stressed out. So last week I made a little pact with my body: I’ll try my best to listen to you, and to not do the override.

Last night I walked to the theater near my house to watch my celebrity-crush-love, Timothée Chalamet, excel at playing Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. After this delightful movie, I came home and had a nice big emotional breakdown on the couch. It spanned the recent loss of my job, the fragility of life, our lack of control over anything, and Donald Trump having access to the nuclear codes again. All of this was neatly compounded by the fatigue of trying so intensely to be good, work hard, and achieve financial security over the last ten (twenty? thirty?) years of my life. Raja, as usual, talked me off the ledge and into brushing my teeth. We went to bed.

So when I heard the little voice while lying in bed, post breakdown and teeth-brushing, I knew I had to listen, but I also didn’t want to. I had a great morning plan. But I’d made that dang pact, so I dropped in to listen to the little voice that lives somewhere inside my stomach. She said:

Please no.

We need a TON of sleep. Also I don’t know if I can even make it 14 miles in the freezing cold.

I don’t even know if I can do that marathon we have planned next month.

I hear you, I reassured her. That’s rather inconvenient about the marathon, since we’ve already signed up, but we’ll cross that bridge later.

First, I had to triple check with my body that no meant no. I’m a runner, and as most runners will tell you, it’s standard to feel some reluctance before a long run. Lacing up our shoes, we think, ugh, do we have to? But then we’re glad we did. But this felt different, deeper, than the usual pre-long-run hesitancy.

Second, I texted my friend I wouldn’t make the run and apologized profusely. I hate canceling plans and disappointing people! I was frustrated to miss the run (in my mind) and deeply relieved (in my body). I popped in my headphones to listen to The Rose Code, my latest spy novel, and drifted into a much-needed, 12-hour sleep.

I was furloughed from work one month ago. I work for a USAID contractor and – in case you haven’t heard!!! – USAID has just been dismantled. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve written about this so far exclusively on my email list, where I post pieces I don’t want to post publicly. (Sign up below to get future exclusives!)

Most of my colleagues and many of my friends in the foreign aid sector are also furloughed or laid off. Some of them have jumped right into the job search, organizing dozens of informational interviews, redoing their C.V.s, and deciding how to pivot professionally. Meanwhile, I find myself forced to take things slower. I say ‘forced’ because it doesn’t feel like I’m choosing to take things slow. My body is simply saying NOPE.

Instead of jumping headfirst into the job search – a daunting prospect in the best of times – I have gravitated towards some things that do feel good to me right now: progressing some of my long-term writing projects, for one. Making the strongest, darkest pour over coffee possible. Laying on my yoga mat and stretching my back very gently. Sitting on the couch and staring vaguely at the wall.

This last one brings to mind the last time, in 2019, I fell into, and then recovered from, burnout. Am I burnt out now, I wonder? The wall-staring situation would seem to indicate yes.

We are lucky enough to have Raja’s income and enough of a savings buffer that I don’t immediately need a new job (and I’ve applied for unemployment). But assuming my furlough turns into a layoff, I’ll need a new job in one or three or six months.

The one snag is I have no idea what kind of work I should pivot to, as my whole sector has just been gutted. (There are other donors in the foreign aid space, but USAID was the biggest by far.) My company is affected; all our competitors are affected; and most of my professional contacts are also out of a job, meaning I need to do an industry search before I can do a job search.

So here I am, taking a slow day, and wondering if listening to my body might be the only way through this disorienting phase of life. Could that be true? Just listen to what my body asks for, act on it, and repeat forever?

This feels daring, subversive, not allowed. Most cultural messages point us in the opposite direction. My LinkedIn feed right now is filled with posts that all say basically the same thing: How to Pivot from Foreign Aid to Your Dream Corporate Job!

This is just a specific-to-my-circumstances version of the usual messages we all receive. Earn money! Work hard! Save for retirement! Be a productive human!

It’s tempting to follow these messages because I’ve been absorbing them all my life. And yet, I believe our bodies always point us in the right direction, if we really listen to them. Even when our minds disagree, get frustrated, or have to cancel plans.

If we listen to what our bodies ask for, I don’t believe they’ll ask for french fries and milkshakes day after day, or want to lie on the couch and watch 12 hours of Netflix. Instead it seems they want to move, exercise, stretch, feel good, and eat healthy much of the time.

My body and I have a pretty good baseline, but I’m working on building even more trust with her. This means believing we have each other’s best interests at heart. I don’t always succeed at this. But I’m working on it, and on that front, last night was a tiny win.

PS. A Complete Unknown has made me love Timothée even more, if possible, and I’d highly recommend it. ❤

PPS. I may or may not make it through that marathon I’m signed up for next month.

Have you been affected by burnout? How did you deal with it? Drop me a comment below or private message. I love hearing from you and I read all your messages!